Today You Were Due

October 25th

I lost our 4th baby to a tubal pregnancy in March of 2016. I hadn't planned on making a public post about that day, about what it means, or about what it feels like. I couldn't keep from writing what was spilling out of my heart, though. (I found this in my drafts from years ago and knew the Lord wanted me to share now almost a decade later.)

Today you were due. You were a you. Maybe a he. Maybe a she. But not with me. I'll never know.

No one knows about you. No one thinks about you. No one even had the chance to be excited over you.

I had planned on celebrating you today. And I did, but there's no confetti or cake. I had cold oatmeal for dinner and did the dishes by hand because we were out of detergent. I can't promise there were no tears, because that would be a lie, but I celebrated.

I went on a walk to clear my head. I just kept going. I had an irrational thought that someone might just appear and hand me a baby. It wouldn't have been you, but maybe I could pretend. - That didn't happen. I couldn't replace you, just like I couldn't replace the two that went on before you (and 1 after you). That's why I celebrate. You are a you, and so are the two. The same one who holds me on this very day holds you, each of you too.

I think about the moment every mother captures in her mind and in her heart the first second she lays eyes on her newborn baby. I didnt get it today. I don't get it tomorrow, or even next week.

Someday I'll lay eyes on you, all four of you. I'll capture it in my mind and in my heart. What a gift that will be. There will be confetti and cake. There will be dancing and singing. There will be jubilation and redemption.

That is why I celebrate today.

What are you celebrating today that might be bittersweet?